An old email from my bride.

Just recently I was looking for a job related email in the email archives at work,
and a batch of mail, sent by Miriam through the years, caught my eyes.
Amongst the many romantic little love notes I rediscovered this one that, especially now, has so much meaning, just as if she was encouraging me, form heaven, to go on and be faithful to our Lord and Savior….

One day, in late summer of 2009, I felt discouraged. Miriam just recently lost her glorious hair.  She was getting the heavy side affects of chemo therapy and on top of that there were some stressful issues going on at my work.

Those are the days when you just want to sleep right through the day hoping that when you wake up these tings just become a passing nightmare.

But life is not like that, and as responsible people we have to carry on even when everything we lay our hands on becomes just a chore or duty that doesn’t seem to have a purpose or there seem to be no meaningful end to the tasks ahead. Yet deep inside we know we must go on…. 

So I got up and went to work….. and then a precious gem fell right in my lap as a gift straight from heaven…. all of the sudden everything had a meaning, a purpose to carry on, joy is added to the labor, the future become hopeful and full of purpose.

By God’s gracious leading this is what Miriam wrote to me:

from yb

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:12

James 1 tells us that above all other human traits, endurance is the characteristic that God is trying to build into your life and mine. Perseverance. Steadfastness. Keep on going. Continue making and keeping the commitments of life. No matter how hard, don't quit.

Endurance is the funnel through which all Christian virtue flows. If God can just get me to not be a quitter, He can get every other good thing into my life. If I won't quit my marriage and I won't quit my kids and I won't quit my job and I won't quit my church and I'm not going to run around thinking the grass is greener somewhere else; I'm going to believe, this is where God has me! This is where I'm going to put down roots and plant my life and make a difference; if I'll stay right here under the pressure, it's unbelievable what God could do in my life. But I've got to be willing to commit for the long haul in order for God's trials to have their purpose in my life.

I want to share a cool related verse in James 1:12, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life."

While I think there are literal crowns that we'll receive from the Lord, I'd like to suggest that the "crown of life" means the quality of life which God promises to those who love Him. If you endure, if you stand the test, there'll be a better life for you on the other side of this trial. Your best and most fruitful days are ahead. Your most God-glorifying days are ahead. God has a purpose for every difficult thing that you face, and if you hold up under it you're going to receive the "crown of life." It's a quality of life that comes to those who successfully pass the test - those who love Him. For some people it will be in eternity, but for most people it'll be at some point later in this life. Protect your joy - remain under the pressure and don't let this trial steal what's ahead.

Looking forward.......to better days……J

I love You

yb  
(your bride)

Now, let me take some liberties here…. even though, I think, I am not far from the truth.

Before Miriam wrote this email she just walked away from the toilet bowl where she had to vomit up the little food she tried to take for her weakening body. As she walked by the bathroom mirror she has seen the faint remains of the beauty once she was. Dry yellowish skin a black and white bandana trying to keep her bald hairless head worm, no eyebrows no eyelashes….
Mouth burning, stomach, limbs and joints aching, all the extremities, fingers, toes numb or at best just sensations of pins and needles from the nerve damage caused by the chemotherapy.
Then she remembered her discouraged husband from the morning and knew that she must do something about it. She didn’t do it out of duty or to gain reputation. She did it because she was compelled. She loved her God and she loved her husband.

 I tell you blessed is a man who is known by the living God and as a precious gift from Him has been given a wife like this. Humbly I declare... I am one of those unworthy blessed man. 


I am certain that Miriam has that crown that she was talking about. Not just her but all those who remained faithful to the end.

In conclusion let me encourage you to consider Jesus. He is the only one who is able and willing by His Holy Spirit to change us from a purposeless miserable sinner into a joy and purposeful child of his.  Jesus experienced our sorrows and pains to the fullest. While pure and innocent He became sin for us and died on the cross alone without any comfort. This was necessary to satisfy the righteous wrath of God that is against everyone who lives in disobedience.
Now since God’s wrath is satisfied through Jesus’ sacrificial death God raised Jesus from the dead and gave him all power and all authority over heaven and earth. Halleluiah!!

Pain and sorrow tears and losses are the part of living in the ShadowLand and as God’s people we too experience them at one time or another. Yet we have the precious promises that this Jesus is with us through them all and safely carry us right through them into His eternal bliss… Heaven.

Believe it embrace it because your life depends on it.

Praise the Lord Forever.
Nandor

This picture was taken around those days.

Worship In the Clouds

Lately there were a few postings on Face book of the hymn “It is Well with My Soul” in memory of Miriam. Today I had an awesome experience and I want to share it.

At the end of last week I had to quickly plan a business trip for today to Milwaukee. As I was packing at home I was looking for a book to take along for the trip. I came across a slightly worn yellowed paged copy of Knowing God by J.I. Packer. Inside of the front cover penned Miriam’s maiden name and her parent’s address. I assume she got it less then a year before we got married and to my shame this is the first time I laid eyes on it.

Today as I was on my second leg of my flight (from Philadelphia to Milwaukee) and partway in the book I was overcome with emotions when I read about that:

Quote

”…. knowing God is a matter of grace. It is a relationship in which the initiative throughout is with God— as it must be, since God is so completely above us and we have so completely forfeited all claim on his favour by our sins.

What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it—the fact that he knows me. I am graven on the palms of his hands. I am never out of his mind. All my knowledge of him depends on his sustained initiative in knowing me. I know him because he first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me, and no moment, therefore, when his care falters.

This is momentous knowledge. There is unspeakable comfort. … in knowing that God is contently taking knowledge of me in love and watching over me for my good. There is tremendous relief in knowing that his love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench his determination to bless me.”

End quote

I blushed (I don’t do it often enough) when I read “there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me”. While I have known and embraced these truths from my youth how often ignore them and in thought, speech and even in actions I conduct myself in ways that clearly displease Him.

Since Miriam is not with me so often as now at 30,000 ft I find myself like a little child, with tears in my eyes, curled up on daddy’s lap seeking comfort from Him who in spite of my sin doesn’t let me fall but rather draws me to himself.

Reminds me of His pain and suffering, on my behalf at the cross, so now I have the privilege of sitting on His lap.

“Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.” (Before you continue please read 

Psalm 139. If you don’t have a bible let me know and I’ll send you one)

While I was worshipping the captain’s voice pulled me back into reality announcing that “….we are just before Detroit…”. As I looked out the window the clouds that were with us since Buffalo broke and a familiar landscape opened up below us. Point Pelee, Amhustburg, LaSalle……I was out of my mind…. we were flying over Miriam’s grave. I almost sobbed out loud.

……Around 1873 while cross­ing the At­lan­tic, all four of Horatio Spaf­ford’s daugh­ters died in a col­li­sion with an­o­ther ship. Spaf­ford’s wife Anna sur­vived and sent him the now fa­mous tel­e­gram, “Saved alone.” Sev­er­al weeks lat­er, as Spaf­ford’s own ship passed near the spot where his daugh­ters died, the Ho­ly Spir­it in­spired these words……

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

(Meditate on these words line by line)

Since I was confined in the plane with 30 or so other passengers I didn’t sing loud but could not resist humming the tune over and over while the words were flooding through my mind as my “ship” was sailing over the grave.

I have to admit I never had a more awesome experience with God in my life and I just had a little taste of the ecstasy that Miriam and all the saints that are gone before us are enjoying in His presence. It may sound add to say this at this time in my life but I declare with absolute certainty that God is a HOLY, GOOD, LOVING AND JUST GOD. All the things that we are experiencing (including the loss of Miriam) are the part of His wonderful work of making us and all things new in Christ. (Read 2 Corinthians 5)

Hallelujah

Nandor

Miriam's encouragement "Seeing Jesus in our clouds"

Back in February of 2009 Miriam, after her first surgery, was asked to speak at a ladies conference.
Just recently I came across her notes and was greatly encouraged by them. I want to bless and encourage you also with them, especially if you go through difficult times.
Nandor

Encouragement "Seeing Jesus in our clouds"
By Miriam Weisz 2009

Open with prayer- Thanksgiving for safety

                           Calm my spirit

                           Help me to minister to these ladies

                           I am Inadequate

                           Thank you for the cross

When Brenda asked me to share, my first reaction was

I’m busy, tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed.

There are too many things going on in my life right now

I’m not a speaker etc

But the big question kept coming back, “What does God want me to do? Do I obey Him and get out of my comfort zone or excuse myself and play it safe?”

I love this paragraph, don’t know who to credit it to, I jotted it down on an old envelope that has become a fixture in my bible.  Do you have special pieces of paper like that?

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that isn’t what ships were made for.  Christ didn’t die on the cross for us to hide in the harbor.  He didn’t sacrifice His life for us to play it safe.  The low risk life may seem cozy and secure but when we spend our time and energy figuring out ways to detour around the risks of authentic lives it will zap our vision and lead to a life of mediocrity and stagnation.

So today I will take a risk, step out of my comfort zone even though I am not a speaker but a regular, everyday, flesh and blood woman just like to rest of you who prefers speaking one on one rather than in front of people.

When I started to think about what to share today I asked myself what would be an encouragement and benefit to my sisters along this road we are all on together.  What was God teaching me right now?  Among other things one kept coming to the forefront SEEING JESUS IN OUR CLOUDS AND WHEN WE SEE HIM WE WILL BE CHANGED!!!

We all at one point or another experience clouds in our lives.  What are the clouds?

How do we interpret or look at them?

Clouds are sorrows, sufferings difficult circumstances in and outside of our personal lives which actually seem to contradict the sovereignty of God.

Have you asked any of these questions?

How could God allow this to happen?  Where is He? He doesn’t love me!!

When difficulty comes what is our first reaction?  We curl up into ourselves and think that God has somehow left us or forgotten about us, we are all alone.

FYI – Satan would have us believe we are all alone and no one is going through what we are going through, we have to guard against that lie.

We could probably go around this room and spend hours sharing clouds that each of us have experienced, we all have them, but the awesome thing is we don’t have to stop there,  because we are the children of God we are not to despair as if we have no hope.

This leads to the second question, how do we interpret or look at the clouds?

When going through hard times never connect the circumstances and what He allows with who He is.

We need to interpret the mysteries with what we know about Him.  Things we have been shown in the light. 

Heb 13:5b: Never leave us or forsake us

Php 1:6b   : He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

Rom 8:28  : And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Clouds are the very thing He uses to teach us to walk by faith.

Heb 11:6: without faith impossible to please God.

If there were never any clouds in our lives we would have no need for faith.

What a revelation it is to know that sorrow, suffering etc are actually the clouds that come along with God.  Instead of seeing clouds as God being gone or not there, they are a sign that God is there!!

Nahum 1:3:  The LORD has His way In the whirlwind and in the storm, And the clouds are the dust of His feet.

Clouds come along with God.

As James M says “He is just rolling up His sleeves”

What an awesome and exciting thought it is knowing that God is actually honing in on me and is personally working on me through this difficulty.  If that is the case, then bring it on!!  Imagine the creator of the universe taking an interest in me, puny me and not just that He is actually making me, forming, shaping me to look a little bit more like His Son. WOW!!!

Php 3:20-21: He is transforming us into the likeness of His Son

Psalm 119:71: It is good for me that I have been afflicted that I may learn your statutes.

Psalm 119:75: I know, O Lord that your judgments are right and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me. 

Now does this sound totally outrageous, crazy …………Well to our flesh and the world it does.  BUT in Gods economy seeing Jesus in our clouds is the very thing He uses to change us so we would trust Him more and more.

Supernatural things start happening, things that we cannot explain in human terms.  Here are a few.

This past May we discovered a bump on my belly. It began growing pretty quickly.  I started worrying and had every scenario worked out in my head already.  This is before I got any type of diagnoses.

I got a phone call from my cousin and shared with her what was going on, then she rebuked me,  I have no business worrying about what will happen 1 week, 2 weeks from now.  God promised He will give you grace for today!!  Wow that hit me like brick wall.  This has helped to take one day at a time and not allow the what ifs to control my life. 

La 3:22-23: Through the Lords mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: Great is Your faithfulness!!!

I was then diagnosed with rare form of ovarian cancer.  They removed the tumor.  I distinctly remember how I felt going in for the tests and the surgery.  I felt like the Lord wrapped His arms around me and said I am going through this with you.  The day before the surgery I was relaxed and carefree all day.  I kept pinching myself, is this me, the worry wart, I should have been at least sick with worry by now.

This is what I mean by supernatural!!  Only God can do this.  And because the only explanation is God, He gets the glory!!

To finish I would like to share with you a little story that really had an impact on me.  It illustrates whether in the good times or bad times what we tend to do.

A radiant bride greeted her guests with a brilliant smile as she entered the reception hall after the wedding ceremony.  She gracefully moved and milled about the room, the train of her stunning white gown flowing along the floor behind here, her veil cascading down her button-adorned back.

            She conversed with each guest one by one, taking the time to mingle and soak up the compliments:  You look absolutely lovely…  Your dress is divine…  I’ve never seen a more beautiful bride…..  What a stunning ceremony…  The lavish praises rang on and on.  The bride couldn’t be more proud or more appreciative of the crowd’s adornment.  She could have listened to them swoon over her all evening.  As a matter of fact, she did.

            But where was the groom?  All the attention focused on the bride and never once did she call anyone’s attention to her husband.  She didn’t even notice his absence at her side. 

Scanning the room, I searched for him, wondering, where could he be?

I finally found him, but not where I expected him to be.  The groom stood alone over in the corner of the room with his head down.  As he stared at his ring, twisting the gold band that had just been placed on his finger by his bride, tears trickled down his cheeks and onto his hands.  That is when I noticed the nail scars. 

The groom was Jesus. 

He waited, but the bride never once turned her face toward her groom.  She never held His hand.  She never introduced the guests to Him.  She operated independently of Him.

My prayer is, for myself first, that be it in the good times or the bad we would totally rely on and cling to Jesus and live our lives moment by moment in His presence. 

That we would become so intimate with Him that we would

acknowledge Him,

introduce him to our friends,

withdraw and be alone with Him

Love Him with all our heart and soul.

So that no matter what cloud comes into our lives we would always turn to Him and have Him be all that we need.

I have a song called GOD ON THE MOUNTAIN that I would like to share with you.

Please join me on the chorus

Life is easy when you're up on the mountain
And you've got peace of mind like you've never known.
But then things change and you're down in the valley.
Don't lose faith for you're never alone.

For the God on the mountain is still God in the valley.
When things go wrong, He'll make it right.
And the God of the good times
is still God in the bad times.
The God of the day is still God in the night.

You talk of faith when you're up on the mountain.
Oh but the talk comes easy when life's at its best.
But it's down in the valley of trials and temptation
That's when faith is really put to the test.

For the God on the mountain is still God in the valley.
When things go wrong, He'll make it right.
And the God of the good times
is still God in the bad times.
The God of the day is still God in the night.

For the God on the mountain is still God in the valley.
When things go wrong, He'll make it right.
And the God of the good times
is still God in the bad times.
The God of the day is still God in the night.
The God of the day is still God in the night.

"God On The Mountain" words and music by Tracy G. Dartt

Today would have been Miriam's 41st Birthday.

A year ago still full of hope I sent this poem in an email to Miriam from work, not realizing that it will be the last of her birthday we will enjoy together on this side of  Heaven.

Happy Birthday, Special Treasure

God gave a gift to the world when you were born
a person who loves, who cares,
who sees a person’s need and fills it,
who encourages and lifts people up,
who spends energy on others
rather than herself,
someone who touches each life she enters,
and makes a difference in the world,
because ripples of kindness flow outward
as each person you have touched, touches others.
Your birthday deserves to be a national holiday,
because you are a special treasure
for all that you’ve done.
May the love you have shown to others
return to you, multiplied.
I wish you the happiest of birthdays,
and many, many more,
so that others have time to appreciate you
as much as I do.

YS.

That evening we had an awesome Mexican party for her. Here are some pictures of those precious memories.

Miriam her brother's keeper...




I, by nature, am not a character that can spend a lot of time, with the latest technological communication tools, living in virtual realities and relationships......

But since Miriam has went ahead to be with our Savior my reality seems to be more in the past then in the present or the future, so I’ll try to venture into virtual realms.

On this platform I have decided to share some reflections and reminisce about the greatest woman I have ever known. 

As a starter I want to share how her departure about a month ago affected my life:  joy-Joy-JOy-JOY ~excruciating pain and sorrow then ~JOY-JOY-JOY-JOY ~pain again ~longing... ~JOY…… I think you get the picture.

It feels like I’m living in a dream with the morning very far away.

I just don’t know life without her.

21 years ago two very young souls (23-19) joined together and through the years literally became one.

I truly agree with our maker when he declared “It is not good that the man should be alone…” especially since I have tasted what it meant to have a Godly companion for all my adult life.

Now, even though I am still surrounded with the most loving children, faithful friends and beautiful family members that truly bring blessing and consolation to my life, still doesn’t compare with what Miriam’s presence meant regardless of the circumstances. Parents, siblings, children and friends tend to comfort externally, but the intimate comfort that comes from a committed loving spouse I believe cannot be surpassed by any other for an adult. And for me it is not there anymore.

She was a walking living grace for all of those that God brought into her path. In all my life I have not come across one person that she would have disliked or a person that would disliked her.

If she had a different view or even a strong disagreement with someone she managed to isolate the views or actions and embraced the person.

She believed that we are all undeserving of any good yet we are obligated to give nothing less to others around us. Life is hard as it is why we should do things to make it more difficult for anybody? She firmly believed that one of the worst thing a man or woman can do to others is to leave them in the wrong even if it was self inflicted and the consequences well deserved.

Rather she wanted to be God’s ambassador of peace comfort kindness etc.

When she became aware of any issues or problems, first with trembling brought them before God’s throne than in the gentlest way approached the person that was in need of reconciliation or correction. She never thought that she was fit for the job yet because of her convictions was willing to put her reputation on the line for the good of others.

I became the number one beneficiary of these blessing and I know for a fact that my faith and walk with our Lord is where it is because of her courage to confront the wrong in me many times not by nagging, usurping authority but by gently pointing to our Savior’s cross.

I and many of you became the recipient of God’s love through her and I will praise her memory as long as I will live but I have to give credit where true credit is due...Miriam was a sinner like any one of us that walk on this earth. One day she met the Master (Jesus) who day by day by his Spirit through joy, sorrow, pleasure and pain transformed her into a master piece for His glory.  (Eph. 2:14)

So while my heart aches because of this great loss for the rest of my earthly life I worship at the feet of the One who so graciously gave and now has taken away. I know that Miriam is with Him according to His word (2Co 5:8) and I also believe that He is with me every day according to His word. (Heb 13:5)

Now I let you do the math to figure out how far Miriam is from me.

We both walk with our beloved Savior hand in hand… She is on the Gloryland side while I’m still in the Shadowland.

Here are the words to a song we sang many times together with the Almaguin Gospel Quartet not knowing how soon it became a reality for her.

Verse1

Gloryland is not so far away 
And we’ll reach it some glad day 
Heaven’s home is now my final goal 
There to live while ages roll 

Chorus 

What a happy day ‘twill be 
What a glorious jubilee 
All of Heaven will be there 
What a meeting in the air 

Verse 2 

Wretched lives are oh so sad to see 
Those who live in misery 
But in Heaven, no more grief or pain 
Crippled lives are whole again 

Saved for His Glory, Kept by His Grace, Upheld by your prayers

Nandor