(Un)Greatfulness

Well, the summer is over and the fall slowly begins.  One of our late summer activities is packing up firewood for the winter months. Usually we dedicate a whole day to this. Sometimes we cut our own wood from our forest, sometimes we buy it from one of our neighbors that sell firewood and sometimes like this year, we do the combination of both. I being the “man of the house” take the chainsaw, the ax and go to fell the trees and cut them into long enough pieces for the stove, split them into blocks, then leave them in a small pile where it is accessible for pick-up. The children in the mean time load up the truck or trailer then we drive it behind the house and pack them neatly in the woodshed.

At one point I needed to take a break. I was out of breath my shirt was soaked from sweat my arms and back were on fire from the vibration of the saw and swinging the ax for hours. I tell you there is no Gym that gives you a workout like that.

 I felt sad as I looked around…In years past by this time Miriam would be out there with a beautiful smile offering me a cold beer or water, making some flirty remarks about how much she liked the dirty roughed looking logger I was. Ah! If I could have that once again…

Anyways, since all of us were busy I made my way back into the house to get my own water to quench my thirst. On the way in, my son who was a little tired and frustrated by this time (I remember those days too, when I was young it seemed like it was a waste of  a precious day to do chores instead of having fun), made the remark of how “… you give us the hard part of the work loading and un loading the truck while you just take the easy part of the job cutting and splitting…” 
I felt offended… I might’ve made cutting wood look easy but I knew that it was much harder and more dangerous then loading. Then I thought “I was loading with them most of the time too”. Why would he say things like that?...
After a few minutes of reflecting on what I just heard, I admonished him for his thoughtless and disrespectful remarks.
I thought that if I let him go away without correction I would do no favor to him. Many of us stumble and get hurt severely by our own fault in life because we ourselves or others around us ignored the small occurrences of the same sins and problems. The word of God says in Proverbs13:24 “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him”
For the rest of the day I could not stop thinking about what just happened. Then it occurred to me …How often we treat our gracious God the same way. We take for granted that the sun rises and sets each day, that the rain/snow falls in it time to nourish the land. Then there is food on our table, clothing and houses to protect us from the elements…. on and on I could go …plus all the things we don’t need yet still enjoy to have… He gives them because He loves us. Then what do we do? Grumble and complain, we think it is easy for him he is God. Many times we think, He leaves us with the hard stuff and just walks away. Etc.

Well, I made sure that before we settled down at the end of the day I gave a big hug to my son and let him and my daughters know how much I love them and appreciate their help not just today but all the time, even if I do not always say it.

 

Then I went into my room, knelt before my Father asked for His forgivennes for my ungreatfulness then thanked him for all He has done and is doing for us day by day moment by moment. For His Son who was sweating, even drops of blood, as he took on the weight of our sin. His arms and back, his whole body was on fire and in pain from the abuse of man, yes, because of my sin. He was forsaken even by God himself. Oh, by no means was it easy for him! Yet he did not stop until He could cry “IT IS FINISHED!!!”  

I pray that He would grant us to appreciate His great work so much, that as He asked us, we would go and tell others about it.

Let us labor for the Master from the dawn till setting sun,
Let us talk of all His wondrous love and care;
Then when all of life is over, and our work on earth is done,
And the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.

For his Glory,

Nandor

P.S. This story was posted with my son's permission.

Jealousy

Rarely do I ever dream, but just recently I had a dream that stirred up emotions I didn’t know we can experience.

Dreams can play funny tricks on our minds by mixing reality into some sort of fantasy that we have a hardest time making sense of.

In My dream I somehow came to the realization that Miriam has been away for a long while (which is true) living with someone else far away from us. Not knowing where and whom she was with gave me a scary jealous feeling that I have never experienced while she was with me.

Being a beautiful woman, in the twenty plus years of our marriage, there have been occasions when godless man behaved indecently toward her. This angered us, especially me, but somehow her loving devotion toward me and our God never put her faithfulness in question.  By God's grace committing ourselves to Him and to each other daily, provided the basis to such secure relationship that jealousy had very little or no room to disrupt our marriage.

But in the twisted reality of my dream she was where she liked to be, and once I became aware of this I became restless questioning my own incompetence… how could I let this happen? How come I let it go on for so long?....  I immediately mobilized my children to help me find a way to try to get a hold of her. We were franticly looking for an old cell number ..anything.. PLEASE!!! I need to stop this I need to get her back. I even recall my oldest saying “Daddy don’t be so anxious God is in control just trust Him with this”……

Then as usual the dream faded, the web of the foggy night dissipated from my mind and gave room to reality.

As I was lying on my bed sweating, hart pounding trying to catch my breath, it took me a few minutes to comprehend that where Miriam is, there will no earthly communication tool ever reach.

Oh Lord what is the meaning of this? I have never felt this way in all my life….

After a short prayer God’s Spirit reminded me when the scriptures talk about our God being a “jealous” God.

I looked it up and found verse after verse how God is primarily jealous of his Glory, His name and his people.

His jealousy is always in the context of having His beloved “people” forgetting their Lord straying away from Him, delighting in idolatry and sin.

Then God like a jealous husband rightfully responds with furious rage not to destroy the beloved but to restore her. In the process he destroys what deceived her be it within her or without …. God doesn’t go half way He will do whatever it takes. He was willing to give His only begotten Son so the enemy of our soul would be destroyed and at the end present us as His beloved bride the Church faultless to enjoy forever.

Praise his name!!

In my dream He allowed me to have a little taste of the reality of His “Jealous” love toward me. Oh, I am so glad that I have such a God. He will pursue me ‘till the end (not just me but all who trust in his name) and will never let go of me. John 10:27-30 

My response to his Love is “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Ps. 139:23-24

A Thought from Miriam

Here is a little gem I found in one of the pages of Miriam, medicine jurnal where she and later on I were recording the daily dosages:

"Thoughts,

God can heal me any time. The bleaker it looks humanly, the better the platform for God to step in and do something.

Things I'm learning,
Am I enjoying the attention I get from everyone?...when I get into pain and discomfort, people's responses just don't cut it, so that shows I'am not getting my comfort from Him but from man's attention.....WE JUST WON'T EVER GET OVER OUR SALVES!!!!!
But then again God's hands and feet are His people.

Miriam"

Family, a Faint Picture of Heaven.

We just recently returned from our vacation in California. The outpouring of love and compassion of our extended family was literary overwhelming.

The last time we were able.. or should I say willing to go was about eleven years ago. We were letting other priorities take over, like spending our time, energy and other resources on things that would not last yet we thought that they were going to get us more happiness… they got  us distracted from the things that really matter.  It’s sad to recognize that even we believers can so easily get sucked into the demands of this world giving up precious things that God entrusted us with.

This truth was especially driven home today as I was sitting under the preaching of God’s word.

While the call to feed the hungry protect the weak help the poor are necessary because of the fallen world we live in and are ways to demonstrate God’s mercy, grace and Jesus’ selfless sacrificial love to all, the call of scripture about marriage and other familial relationship are to remind us about the beautiful imagery God invested in these to show His fatherly character and the loving relationship he wants to have with us.

He has to remind us time and time again of the importance of these things because the devil and his demons are out with full force to make the world and even God’s people to get distracted and caught up chasing after the wind.

As someone put it once....we are most of the time work hard because “we spent the money we did not have for things we do not need to impress people who do not care”

A lot of times husbands and wives are only (if)  have the faint energy to share with each other late at the end of their day because they have been burned up busy with work just to make ends meet.

Many Fathers and mothers at best have to schedule special quality time with their children once a week so the children would have some sense of a family. Other times they push them out to the world to make them successful by its standards forgetting where true success lies.

Really??? Is that how God treats us? Is this what we can expect once we are going to be with him?

God’s word is full of encouragements and even laws regarding our family relationships not just to make our life to function as he intended for us, even though that in and of itself would be a good reason, but because without them there would be no way for us to recognize his awesome attributes as he relates to his chief creation namely man and especially his children “the sons of God” the ones saved by the blood of Jesus.

Sometimes we only realise what we take for granted after God takes them away from us. As in my case- while I don’t walk around with regrets- I have flashbacks of missed opportunities, and let me tell you, they hurt.

This recent trip was a precious gift from our relatives as they shared their time and recourses with us.Their actions were a great reminder to what really matters in this life, but even more to have a sense of the beauty God promised to us in the life to come.

So let us spend more time embracing and giving ourselves to those precious ones that God brought into our immediate lives. Our parents, siblings and “on and on”, the bigger and more the better.

If God has given you a loving mate you have an unlimited source of pleasures and beauty to discover in him or her, and through that you have a glimpse of the infinite, vast love that our maker has for us in the life to come.

Does this compete with the extra large house, the latest and greatest electronic gadgets, the always new shiny car etc? I think not.

If God has blessed us with children we have the greatest insight into how our heavenly father delights in the growth we ourselves experience as we grow day by day to be like Him.

May God preserve us from the pitfalls of this age and grant us wisdom how to spend the time and everything that he entrusted to us.

IS GOD FAIR?

It’s interesting how the enemy and the accuser of our soul can so easily catch us off guard….

The other day I was browsing through some brochures and web pages trying to find a suitable grave marker for Miriam’s grave.

As I looked at each design, with tearful eyes, I tried to imagine my sweetheart’s name and the inscriptions she wanted engraved on it.

While in my spirit I am comforted to know that she is with our Lord in unadulterated joy, yet my heart aches every time I get involved in an activity that brings back sweet and also sad memories. It is like when something tears into a wound that just barely getting a little scab on it. The pain seems to be more intense then earlier times.

Ironically at the same time we (the kids and I) were preparing to go and be a part of a dear couple’s 50^th wedding anniversary celebration with their whole family. A few days earlier I had a privilege to congratulate another couple, closer to my age, celebrating their 25^th.

Then I heard the news of others who claiming to know God yet forsaking their first marriage trying to bring validity to their adulterous relationship by “moving in together”.

Again someone else doing the same thing, cheerfully, announces the engagement to another man’s former, now divorced, wife.

Knowing that God is in control, my jealous sinful heart just burst out with a question: IS GOD FAIR?

After a short self pity the Holy Spirit just stops me in my wicked path and obliges me to look into the “mirror” the word of God.

And there I see the beam in my own eye that forces me to cover my mouth and fall silently at the feet of the judge of the universe.

Who am I to claim justice and fairness? Who am I to call God to give an account of what he choose or not to choose to do?

Oh wretched man that I am! If God would be fair to me and give me what I deserve I would perish in my sin and eternal HELL would be my certain destiny.

But praise be to Jesus our savior!

Regardless of my attitude, even as he said “while we were yet his enemies” not being fair to himself gave his life for me. Shed his own precious blood on Calvary’s cross so that my sins can be forgiven.

What glorious deed, what Love!

If I have any merit to stand on, it is His merit alone.

But there is more... his word declares that “..All things work together, for the good, to them that love God and the called according to His purpose..”

So what I am experiencing today, be as painful as it may be, it is not an accident.

God disciplines those whom he loves.

Day by day, moment by moment transforms me and all those who believe to the likeness of His Son.

Wow! Talk about grace and mercy… instead of fairness.

I’m so glad that His ways are higher than man’s ways and His thoughts are higher then man’s thoughts.

In the light of such love I am compelled to repent and trust his promise once again that I am forgiven forever.

May God bring pleasure and happiness in the life of those whom he chooses and may he bring misery to others. For his children both pleasure and sorrow will turn into eternal blessings while to those who reject Him even the blessings of this life will turn into eternal condemnation......

These are sobering thoughts.

Instead looking at myself, being jealous of, or condemning others, I want to delight and rejoice with those who prosper and being blessed. I also need to go on my knees before the Heavenly father and pray for the salvation of the lost whom He brings into my life, sharing the good news of God’s deliverance to them, by letting Jesus loving and living in and through me......being just like a beggar showing to the other beggar where to find bread.

Thank you, Lord for not giving up on me and for your unfailing Love.

An old email from my bride.

Just recently I was looking for a job related email in the email archives at work,
and a batch of mail, sent by Miriam through the years, caught my eyes.
Amongst the many romantic little love notes I rediscovered this one that, especially now, has so much meaning, just as if she was encouraging me, form heaven, to go on and be faithful to our Lord and Savior….

One day, in late summer of 2009, I felt discouraged. Miriam just recently lost her glorious hair.  She was getting the heavy side affects of chemo therapy and on top of that there were some stressful issues going on at my work.

Those are the days when you just want to sleep right through the day hoping that when you wake up these tings just become a passing nightmare.

But life is not like that, and as responsible people we have to carry on even when everything we lay our hands on becomes just a chore or duty that doesn’t seem to have a purpose or there seem to be no meaningful end to the tasks ahead. Yet deep inside we know we must go on…. 

So I got up and went to work….. and then a precious gem fell right in my lap as a gift straight from heaven…. all of the sudden everything had a meaning, a purpose to carry on, joy is added to the labor, the future become hopeful and full of purpose.

By God’s gracious leading this is what Miriam wrote to me:

from yb

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:12

James 1 tells us that above all other human traits, endurance is the characteristic that God is trying to build into your life and mine. Perseverance. Steadfastness. Keep on going. Continue making and keeping the commitments of life. No matter how hard, don't quit.

Endurance is the funnel through which all Christian virtue flows. If God can just get me to not be a quitter, He can get every other good thing into my life. If I won't quit my marriage and I won't quit my kids and I won't quit my job and I won't quit my church and I'm not going to run around thinking the grass is greener somewhere else; I'm going to believe, this is where God has me! This is where I'm going to put down roots and plant my life and make a difference; if I'll stay right here under the pressure, it's unbelievable what God could do in my life. But I've got to be willing to commit for the long haul in order for God's trials to have their purpose in my life.

I want to share a cool related verse in James 1:12, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life."

While I think there are literal crowns that we'll receive from the Lord, I'd like to suggest that the "crown of life" means the quality of life which God promises to those who love Him. If you endure, if you stand the test, there'll be a better life for you on the other side of this trial. Your best and most fruitful days are ahead. Your most God-glorifying days are ahead. God has a purpose for every difficult thing that you face, and if you hold up under it you're going to receive the "crown of life." It's a quality of life that comes to those who successfully pass the test - those who love Him. For some people it will be in eternity, but for most people it'll be at some point later in this life. Protect your joy - remain under the pressure and don't let this trial steal what's ahead.

Looking forward.......to better days……J

I love You

yb  
(your bride)

Now, let me take some liberties here…. even though, I think, I am not far from the truth.

Before Miriam wrote this email she just walked away from the toilet bowl where she had to vomit up the little food she tried to take for her weakening body. As she walked by the bathroom mirror she has seen the faint remains of the beauty once she was. Dry yellowish skin a black and white bandana trying to keep her bald hairless head worm, no eyebrows no eyelashes….
Mouth burning, stomach, limbs and joints aching, all the extremities, fingers, toes numb or at best just sensations of pins and needles from the nerve damage caused by the chemotherapy.
Then she remembered her discouraged husband from the morning and knew that she must do something about it. She didn’t do it out of duty or to gain reputation. She did it because she was compelled. She loved her God and she loved her husband.

 I tell you blessed is a man who is known by the living God and as a precious gift from Him has been given a wife like this. Humbly I declare... I am one of those unworthy blessed man. 


I am certain that Miriam has that crown that she was talking about. Not just her but all those who remained faithful to the end.

In conclusion let me encourage you to consider Jesus. He is the only one who is able and willing by His Holy Spirit to change us from a purposeless miserable sinner into a joy and purposeful child of his.  Jesus experienced our sorrows and pains to the fullest. While pure and innocent He became sin for us and died on the cross alone without any comfort. This was necessary to satisfy the righteous wrath of God that is against everyone who lives in disobedience.
Now since God’s wrath is satisfied through Jesus’ sacrificial death God raised Jesus from the dead and gave him all power and all authority over heaven and earth. Halleluiah!!

Pain and sorrow tears and losses are the part of living in the ShadowLand and as God’s people we too experience them at one time or another. Yet we have the precious promises that this Jesus is with us through them all and safely carry us right through them into His eternal bliss… Heaven.

Believe it embrace it because your life depends on it.

Praise the Lord Forever.
Nandor

This picture was taken around those days.

Worship In the Clouds

Lately there were a few postings on Face book of the hymn “It is Well with My Soul” in memory of Miriam. Today I had an awesome experience and I want to share it.

At the end of last week I had to quickly plan a business trip for today to Milwaukee. As I was packing at home I was looking for a book to take along for the trip. I came across a slightly worn yellowed paged copy of Knowing God by J.I. Packer. Inside of the front cover penned Miriam’s maiden name and her parent’s address. I assume she got it less then a year before we got married and to my shame this is the first time I laid eyes on it.

Today as I was on my second leg of my flight (from Philadelphia to Milwaukee) and partway in the book I was overcome with emotions when I read about that:

Quote

”…. knowing God is a matter of grace. It is a relationship in which the initiative throughout is with God— as it must be, since God is so completely above us and we have so completely forfeited all claim on his favour by our sins.

What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it—the fact that he knows me. I am graven on the palms of his hands. I am never out of his mind. All my knowledge of him depends on his sustained initiative in knowing me. I know him because he first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me, and no moment, therefore, when his care falters.

This is momentous knowledge. There is unspeakable comfort. … in knowing that God is contently taking knowledge of me in love and watching over me for my good. There is tremendous relief in knowing that his love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench his determination to bless me.”

End quote

I blushed (I don’t do it often enough) when I read “there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me”. While I have known and embraced these truths from my youth how often ignore them and in thought, speech and even in actions I conduct myself in ways that clearly displease Him.

Since Miriam is not with me so often as now at 30,000 ft I find myself like a little child, with tears in my eyes, curled up on daddy’s lap seeking comfort from Him who in spite of my sin doesn’t let me fall but rather draws me to himself.

Reminds me of His pain and suffering, on my behalf at the cross, so now I have the privilege of sitting on His lap.

“Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.” (Before you continue please read 

Psalm 139. If you don’t have a bible let me know and I’ll send you one)

While I was worshipping the captain’s voice pulled me back into reality announcing that “….we are just before Detroit…”. As I looked out the window the clouds that were with us since Buffalo broke and a familiar landscape opened up below us. Point Pelee, Amhustburg, LaSalle……I was out of my mind…. we were flying over Miriam’s grave. I almost sobbed out loud.

……Around 1873 while cross­ing the At­lan­tic, all four of Horatio Spaf­ford’s daugh­ters died in a col­li­sion with an­o­ther ship. Spaf­ford’s wife Anna sur­vived and sent him the now fa­mous tel­e­gram, “Saved alone.” Sev­er­al weeks lat­er, as Spaf­ford’s own ship passed near the spot where his daugh­ters died, the Ho­ly Spir­it in­spired these words……

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

(Meditate on these words line by line)

Since I was confined in the plane with 30 or so other passengers I didn’t sing loud but could not resist humming the tune over and over while the words were flooding through my mind as my “ship” was sailing over the grave.

I have to admit I never had a more awesome experience with God in my life and I just had a little taste of the ecstasy that Miriam and all the saints that are gone before us are enjoying in His presence. It may sound add to say this at this time in my life but I declare with absolute certainty that God is a HOLY, GOOD, LOVING AND JUST GOD. All the things that we are experiencing (including the loss of Miriam) are the part of His wonderful work of making us and all things new in Christ. (Read 2 Corinthians 5)

Hallelujah

Nandor