The legacy of a great wife from a grieving husband.

As the days of healing pass over me I want to share my thoughts with those who care.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Channels of Blessings

Many dear people asked me “Nandor what’s next?” as we said farewell to Miriam a year ago. With confidence, I could reply “I don’t know. But God’s grace was sufficient through the struggles with Miriam and He will be sufficient for the children and me according to his promise.” 
He came through, true to His word.

Oh, how sweet was the Holy Spirits’ comfort as the final days of being a complete family was coming to the end. I had the privilege of seeing my beloved transforming from a loving and caring mother... from the most beautiful mate and lover, into a saint that with ecstatic joy was ready to go home ahead of us. I had such mixed emotions. On one hand my heart was breaking, on the other, I was so encouraged by Miriam’s joy. The way she, with total confidence entrusted us, her children and husband, in whom she invested pretty much all her life, to the God of creation, the sovereign ruler of heaven and earth, giver and taker of life. Now looking back I realize that in her last days Miriam had such a grasp and trust in the love of the Savior that only comes through severe trials and suffering.

When I replied to the above mentioned questions I did not realized what this loving God will take me through, so I can grasp this awesome sense of His Love and Grace. After the hustle and bustle of the funeral in North Bay then the burial in Windsor ten days later, the quiet lonely every days, weeks and months started. For me, this turned into a bone aching grief. The closest I can compare it to is, as C.S. Lewis put it “NO ONE EVER told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.” Tears welled up frequently, triggered by a thought or just simply entering a place, or being at events where Miriam’s loving company used to be present. 
But mostly it hit home when at the end of the day I entered our bedroom, the intimate sanctuary for a couple. Where the sweet fellowship and communion of our spirit and of our body used to meet like no other. Where in oneness we met with God in prayer, thanksgiving and devotion. Were we strengthened and comforted one another in our daily struggles, the place of forgiveness and reconciliation. Where we reminisced on the past and reminded each other of God’s blessings. Where future plans were made for our children and our family as we were seeking to serve or God. Where we played and had the most fun as we made love and assured each other that this awesome union worth more the our individual lives. Where for us “I Love you” was said and heard more often than anywhere else in the world.

Now there is only silence.... every night after I have my time with my Savior, I just place my Bible beside me where Miriam used to sleep.... 
First it was very hard. But through the last year I have learned that while God removed the most tangible channel of His love and blessing from my life His infinite love never fails. Only now, I have to receive it by faith. What a precious gift faith is. I came to understand that in this life even at best we are only able to communicate as sinners to sinners, just a faint image of this infinite love and affection that is ours in Christ. In our current condition we would not be able to bear the pure love of God. We need to leave this world to be able to fully experience it.

So, while I live here below in the flesh I still long for tangible affection and love, but by faith I can carry on. I know that there are others that God placed around me that need the same from me. May God give me and you a heart that truly says in word and deed “I LOVE YOU!” and in it, the recipient would hear the echo of our Savior’s voice.

Channels only, blessed Master,
But with all Thy wondrous power
Flowing through us, Thou canst use us
Every day and every hour.

Yes, God’s Mercy and Grace are sufficient.