The legacy of a great wife from a grieving husband.

As the days of healing pass over me I want to share my thoughts with those who care.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Seasons Greeting

Dear Praying Friends,

It is that time of year again.  A time for family and friends to celebrate the birth of Christ and enjoy each other’s company. 

For our family it is a painful time due to the passing of Miriam.  This is the first Christmas without her and yes it does hurt…but God is merciful and is showing His great power and love through all the painful “firsts” that we have to go through. As you can imagine we had to make quite the adjustment as we are trying to carry on without the always so important, godly wife and mother. The initial days, weeks and the first couple of months were the most painful.
But, praise be to God for his unfailing mercies! To know, regardless of how difficult it is, that this is ordained from our heavenly Father’s hand, gives a great comfort to our grieving hearths. His ways are higher then ours and in the light of eternity this present time of suffering and His discipline becomes a treasured possession.  Slowly we have adjusted and are continually adjusting to live without Miriam. We are so thankful for the outpouring of love, prayer and practical help from many friends, relatives, brothers and sisters. You are God’s hands and feet as you reach out to us to ease the burden that these circumstances bring. 
As painful as this year has been God has brought incredible blessings to us. This summer we went to California for a two weeks vacation. We are thankful to all our loved ones that made this possible. Jakob spent a week at bible-camp, and Jessica was working at Smoky Trail Native Bible Camps for four weeks. Throughout the spring summer and fall we had the privilege of having many relatives and friends visiting our home.

This fall has brought around even more changes.  Rebekah was accepted into the Theatre Arts program at Canadore College.  She is really enjoying the experience.  Jessica and Jakob are at home doing their homeschooling. Jessica is still finishing her last year of high school here at home. She also has taken on the responsibilities of running most of the household and overseeing Jakob’s schooling (gr. 6/7).

 Please, continue to pray for us that we would have the wisdom to live for the glory of God alone as we continue on this journey.

We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and pray God’s richest blessing for you and your family.
 The Weisz  Family 

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

God, the Perfect Giver of All True Pleasure.

As we walk through life we find ourselves somewhere between perfectness (never being able to come close to it) and???? (Well what is the opposite of perfect?) I have tried to come up with the word then when I couldn't find one I asked around, then eventually went on-line and realized the there is no such thing!!  While we may use the word (improperly) to describe various things be it as exceptional as they possibly can be, we all have to realize that only GOD is perfect. Everything else lacks that quality and falls far short in the other category. For the opposite of perfect the only word I can think of, that would come closest, is hell, but that is something that none of us are familiar with. So we have to make the conclusion, that in this life even when we describe something most horrible, we know that there are things that could be worse. 

Having a good marriage has its benefits. Loosing it, and even loosing it on the positive note has very unpleasant side affects. And what I mean by loosing it on the positive note is, that what we had to go through wasn’t the result of a bitter separation, rather through Miriam’s illness, while the physical elements of our relationship slowly deteriorated, our love for each other and for God grew to a much higher level then we could ever experience under “normal” circumstances. Our marriage wasn’t perfect but I can testify that it was a foretaste of the perfect one to come. Once this was over, for Miriam the foretaste turned into reality, but for me, “living without…” became the new reality. According to the word of God as his children we have riches that surpass any riches this world can offer. Yet living in this present earthly reality we have physical, emotional and other needs and desires that can only be met through means that were meant to fulfill that need. For example when we are hungry, relaxing on the sofa or taking a good walk wouldn’t satisfy the need hunger brings. On the other hand a well prepared meal not just fit that need but also produces pleasure.
I am careful when I make this statement but: I believe that God is the author of ALL pleasure. He made us in His likeness and given us the faculties to receive and enjoy the things he has made. I also believe that all these things are there, so that through them we can get to know Him, the Creator and the sustainer of Heaven and Earth. Each time we experience the satisfying of any of our needs we get pleasure, fulfilment and that move us closer to God. 
On the other hand the enemy of our soul taking advantage of our fallen nature stands by, but not being able to offer us any pleasure, trying to give us fake substitutes that might give some sense of pleasure but ultimately end up hurting us, leaving us empty and instead leading us closer to, it drives us away from our God. The pursuit of the pleasure of eating can turn into an idol and make us into a glutton. The same way wine that gladdens the heart turns into a means for drunkenness. That’s how sex that meant to bring the committed godly union of a man and women to its highest level, being wasted in one night stands, adultery, prostitution, pornography and all the endless forms of sexual immorality. And we could go on and on.

Now we know from scripture that there are seasons for feasting and there are seasons for fasting also. In many aspects, today I am fasting and my state makes me vulnerable to temptations that Satan offers to fulfill in the weakness of my flesh. On this battleground I thank God the Holy Spirit who keeps me, and I continually covet your prayers that my Saviour would always be honoured in my soul, mind and body.
I love this hymn by Charles Wesley.
I want a principle within of watchful, godly fear,
A sensibility of sin, a pain to feel it near.
I want the first approach to feel of pride or wrong desire,
To catch the wandering of my will, and quench the kindling fire.

From Thee that I no more may stray, no more Thy goodness grieve,
Grant me the filial awe, I pray, the tender conscience give.
Quick as the apple of an eye, O God, my conscience make;
Awake my soul when sin is nigh, and keep it still awake.

Almighty God of truth and love, to me Thy power impart;
The mountain from my soul remove, the hardness from my heart.
O may the least omission pain my reawakened soul,
And drive me to that blood again, which makes the wounded whole.

Sometimes I look at those who never tasted the beauty of marriage being in a better position than I but through this I also learned to sympathise greatly with those who like me have lost it.
I have talked to some that after years of being alone still being full of sorrow and have a hard time moving on. Then by God’s grace I see others having the same great loss thriving and demonstrating a quality of life that surpasses people’s that seemingly have everything. One thing I have learned, that the more we turn to ourselves wishing on the past and looking at our loss the grater our grief and burdens are, but the more we give ourselves to others the lighter the burdens become.  Isn’t that wonderful? Then the icing on the cake is that while walking in the later we are actually walking closer to the Perfect one and through this season of fast, with pleasure, we are feasting on Him.

Just recently as I translated Miriam’s blog into Hungarian I came across a phrase that she wrote, this new and a fresh meant so much to me.

God loves me and has this all orchestrated for my good….nothing comes to Him as a surprise. I have been given another day to LIVE, that means I have a purpose, a reason for being here today….what am I going to do with it? I don’t want to waste it…I can pray, I can love my family, I can talk/write to people, I can help someone, etc. there are so many opportunities out there, will I seize them or let them go by because I am too busy worrying about myself. This is the challenge that I face daily…please pray that I would be able to keep my eyes on the things that are important and real and let the things of this earth grow strangely dim.

So here it goes, please, pray the same for me and my children.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Promises That We Can Bank On.

Most of the time we look forward to the fulfilling of promises with pleasant anticipation, and easily overlook the fact that there are no promises without a cost. This is especially true when we look at our Lord and his promises to us.
The other evening I was out on my exercise run-walk with our dog. A storm had just stopped, and as I was heading toward the west I was admiring the brilliant blue sky, and the glistening forest on the rolling hills; as far as the eye could see freshly watered by God’s blessing. Again my mind was flooded with sweet memories of taking the same walk with Miriam and how we used to stop and look over the beautiful scenery, praising God for his awesome work of creation. These thoughts choked me up, and I had a bit of  difficulty trying to bring forth thoughts of praise. …Is it ever going to get better? These waves of grief are so debilitating. I am so discouraged sometimes… Then I turned around and  nearly fell on my knees in worship on the middle of the road…
As I mentioned the rain just past off to the east clearing the western sky and behind my back unbeknown to me in the dark clouds, God prepared the most brilliant intense rainbow I have ever seen.

 My mind was instantly back about 5000 years (give or take a few hundred J ) when Noah exited the ark after the greatest judgment on mankind in Creation’s history. There God made a promise to us (Noah being our representative) that He will never destroy mankind by flood ever again. He kept ,and I am confident will keep this promise forever. Then He assured me by his Spirit, reminding me of the promise that His children don’t have to look forward to destruction that is yet to come by fire, but rather to the redemption that comes through our Saviour Jesus Christ. This promise came at a great cost to Him so we can be the free recipient of it. 
Wow! Now my soul has no difficulty singing “How great Thou Art”.
Later as I was remembering that awesome evening I was also meditating on  Eph. 1: 3-14
Verse 4 especially spoke to me..
`For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.```

..He chose me to be holy and blameless in his sight... while this is ultimately true in the fact that Jesus’ shed blood and righteousness puts us in that state before Him, yet He brings this truth to reality through trials and suffering in our life. I count it a privilege to be able to experience this work of God in my life. And while my share of suffering is minuscule compared to what Miriam and many saints, that I have seen and heard of, had to go through, this is suffering nevertheless. (Thank you for your steadfast prayer for me and my family. Being the weak man that I am, without grace I won’t be able to bear it at all) 
But to my surprise I have an appreciation and even a welcome of my Heavenly Father’s refining fire, knowing that this is the intimate, tangible part of his promise and of His Love.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1: 2-4

1.                 Standing on the promises of Christ my King, 
                    through eternal ages let his praises ring; 
                    glory in the highest, I will shout and sing, 
                    standing on the promises of God. 
                    Standing, standing, 
                    standing on the promises of Christ my Savior; 
                    standing, standing, 
                    I'm standing on the promises of God
 2.                 Standing on the promises that cannot fail, 
                    when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, 
                    by the living Word of God I shall prevail, 
                    standing on the promises of God. 
 3.                 Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord, 
                    bound to him eternally by love's strong cord, 
                    overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword, 
                    standing on the promises of God. 
 4.                 Standing on the promises I cannot fall, 
                    listening every moment to the Spirit's call,
                    resting in my Savior as my all in all, 
                    standing on the promises of God. 

Friday, 23 September 2011


Well, the summer is over and the fall slowly begins.  One of our late summer activities is packing up firewood for the winter months. Usually we dedicate a whole day to this. Sometimes we cut our own wood from our forest, sometimes we buy it from one of our neighbors that sell firewood and sometimes like this year, we do the combination of both. I being the “man of the house” take the chainsaw, the ax and go to fell the trees and cut them into long enough pieces for the stove, split them into blocks, then leave them in a small pile where it is accessible for pick-up. The children in the mean time load up the truck or trailer then we drive it behind the house and pack them neatly in the woodshed.

At one point I needed to take a break. I was out of breath my shirt was soaked from sweat my arms and back were on fire from the vibration of the saw and swinging the ax for hours. I tell you there is no Gym that gives you a workout like that.

 I felt sad as I looked around…In years past by this time Miriam would be out there with a beautiful smile offering me a cold beer or water, making some flirty remarks about how much she liked the dirty roughed looking logger I was. Ah! If I could have that once again…

Anyways, since all of us were busy I made my way back into the house to get my own water to quench my thirst. On the way in, my son who was a little tired and frustrated by this time (I remember those days too, when I was young it seemed like it was a waste of  a precious day to do chores instead of having fun), made the remark of how “… you give us the hard part of the work loading and un loading the truck while you just take the easy part of the job cutting and splitting…” 
I felt offended… I might’ve made cutting wood look easy but I knew that it was much harder and more dangerous then loading. Then I thought “I was loading with them most of the time too”. Why would he say things like that?...
After a few minutes of reflecting on what I just heard, I admonished him for his thoughtless and disrespectful remarks.
I thought that if I let him go away without correction I would do no favor to him. Many of us stumble and get hurt severely by our own fault in life because we ourselves or others around us ignored the small occurrences of the same sins and problems. The word of God says in Proverbs13:24 “
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him”
For the rest of the day I could not stop thinking about what just happened. Then it occurred to me …How often we treat our gracious God the same way. We take for granted that the sun rises and sets each day, that the rain/snow falls in it time to nourish the land. Then there is food on our table, clothing and houses to protect us from the elements…. on and on I could go …plus all the things we don’t need yet still enjoy to have… He gives them because He loves us. Then what do we do? Grumble and complain, we think it is easy for him he is God. Many times we think, He leaves us with the hard stuff and just walks away. Etc.

Well, I made sure that before we settled down at the end of the day I gave a big hug to my son and let him and my daughters know how much I love them and appreciate their help not just today but all the time, even if I do not always say it.


Then I went into my room, knelt before my Father asked for His forgivennes for my ungreatfulness then thanked him for all He has done and is doing for us day by day moment by moment. For His Son who was sweating, even drops of blood, as he took on the weight of our sin. His arms and back, his whole body was on fire and in pain from the abuse of man, yes, because of my sin. He was forsaken even by God himself. Oh, by no means was it easy for him! Yet he did not stop until He could cry “IT IS FINISHED!!!”  

I pray that He would grant us to appreciate His great work so much, that as He asked us, we would go and tell others about it.

Let us labor for the Master from the dawn till setting sun,
Let us talk of all His wondrous love and care;
Then when all of life is over, and our work on earth is done,
And the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.

For his Glory,


P.S. This story was posted with my son's permission.

Thursday, 25 August 2011


Rarely do I ever dream, but just recently I had a dream that stirred up emotions I didn’t know we can experience.
Dreams can play funny tricks on our minds by mixing reality into some sort of fantasy that we have a hardest time making sense of.

In My dream I somehow came to the realization that Miriam has been away for a long while (which is true) living with someone else far away from us. Not knowing where and whom she was with gave me a scary jealous feeling that I have never experienced while she was with me.

Being a beautiful woman, in the twenty plus years of our marriage, there have been occasions when godless man behaved indecently toward her. This angered us, especially me, but somehow her loving devotion toward me and our God never put her faithfulness in question.  By God's grace committing ourselves to Him and to each other daily, provided the basis to such secure relationship that jealousy had very little or no room to disrupt our marriage.

But in the twisted reality of my dream she was where she liked to be, and once I became aware of this I became restless questioning my own incompetence… how could I let this happen? How come I let it go on for so long?....  I immediately mobilized my children to help me find a way to try to get a hold of her. We were franticly looking for an old cell number ..anything.. PLEASE!!! I need to stop this I need to get her back. I even recall my oldest saying “Daddy don’t be so anxious God is in control just trust Him with this”……

Then as usual the dream faded, the web of the foggy night dissipated from my mind and gave room to reality.
As I was lying on my bed sweating, hart pounding trying to catch my breath, it took me a few minutes to comprehend that where Miriam is, there will no earthly communication tool ever reach.
Oh Lord what is the meaning of this? I have never felt this way in all my life….

After a short prayer God’s Spirit reminded me when the scriptures talk about our God being a “jealous” God.
I looked it up and found verse after verse how God is primarily jealous of his Glory, His name and his people.
His jealousy is always in the context of having His beloved “people” forgetting their Lord straying away from Him, delighting in idolatry and sin.
Then God like a jealous husband rightfully responds with furious rage not to destroy the beloved but to restore her. In the process he destroys what deceived her be it within her or without …. God doesn’t go half way He will do whatever it takes. He was willing to give His only begotten Son so the enemy of our soul would be destroyed and at the end present us as His beloved bride the Church faultless to enjoy forever.

Praise his name!!

In my dream He allowed me to have a little taste of the reality of His “Jealous” love toward me. Oh, I am so glad that I have such a God. He will pursue me ‘till the end (not just me but all who trust in his name) and will never let go of me. John 10:27-30 

My response to his Love is “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Ps. 139:23-24

Saturday, 20 August 2011

A Thought from Miriam

Here is a little gem I found in one of the pages of Miriam, medicine jurnal where she and later on I were recording the daily dosages:


God can heal me any time. The bleaker it looks humanly, the better the platform for God to step in and do something.

Things I'm learning,
Am I enjoying the attention I get from everyone?...when I get into pain and discomfort, people's responses just don't cut it, so that shows I'am not getting my comfort from Him but from man's attention.....WE JUST WON'T EVER GET OVER OUR SALVES!!!!!
But then again God's hands and feet are His people.


Sunday, 31 July 2011

Family, a Faint Picture of Heaven.

We just recently returned from our vacation in California. The outpouring of love and compassion of our extended family was literary overwhelming.

The last time we were able.. or should I say willing to go was about eleven years ago. We were letting other priorities take over, like spending our time, energy and other resources on things that would not last yet we thought that they were going to get us more happiness… they got  us distracted from the things that really matter.  It’s sad to recognize that even we believers can so easily get sucked into the demands of this world giving up precious things that God entrusted us with.
This truth was especially driven home today as I was sitting under the preaching of God’s word.

While the call to feed the hungry protect the weak help the poor are necessary because of the fallen world we live in and are ways to demonstrate God’s mercy, grace and Jesus’ selfless sacrificial love to all, the call of scripture about marriage and other familial relationship are to remind us about the beautiful imagery God invested in these to show His fatherly character and the loving relationship he wants to have with us.

He has to remind us time and time again of the importance of these things because the devil and his demons are out with full force to make the world and even God’s people to get distracted and caught up chasing after the wind.
As someone put it once....we are most of the time work hard because “we spent the money we did not have for things we do not need to impress people who do not care”

A lot of times husbands and wives are only (if)  have the faint energy to share with each other late at the end of their day because they have been burned up busy with work just to make ends meet.
Many Fathers and mothers at best have to schedule special quality time with their children once a week so the children would have some sense of a family. Other times they push them out to the world to make them successful by its standards forgetting where true success lies.
Really??? Is that how God treats us? Is this what we can expect once we are going to be with him?

God’s word is full of encouragements and even laws regarding our family relationships not just to make our life to function as he intended for us, even though that in and of itself would be a good reason, but because without them there would be no way for us to recognize his awesome attributes as he relates to his chief creation namely man and especially his children “the sons of God” the ones saved by the blood of Jesus.

Sometimes we only realise what we take for granted after God takes them away from us. As in my case- while I don’t walk around with regrets- I have flashbacks of missed opportunities, and let me tell you, they hurt.

This recent trip was a precious gift from our relatives as they shared their time and recourses with us.Their actions were a great reminder to what really matters in this life, but even more to have a sense of the beauty God promised to us in the life to come.

So let us spend more time embracing and giving ourselves to those precious ones that God brought into our immediate lives. Our parents, siblings and “on and on”, the bigger and more the better.

If God has given you a loving mate you have an unlimited source of pleasures and beauty to discover in him or her, and through that you have a glimpse of the infinite, vast love that our maker has for us in the life to come.
Does this compete with the extra large house, the latest and greatest electronic gadgets, the always new shiny car etc? I think not.

If God has blessed us with children we have the greatest insight into how our heavenly father delights in the growth we ourselves experience as we grow day by day to be like Him.

May God preserve us from the pitfalls of this age and grant us wisdom how to spend the time and everything that he entrusted to us.

Wednesday, 29 June 2011


It’s interesting how the enemy and the accuser of our soul can so easily catch us off guard….

The other day I was browsing through some brochures and web pages trying to find a suitable grave marker for Miriam’s grave.
As I looked at each design, with tearful eyes, I tried to imagine my sweetheart’s name and the inscriptions she wanted engraved on it.
While in my spirit I am comforted to know that she is with our Lord in unadulterated joy, yet my heart aches every time I get involved in an activity that brings back sweet and also sad memories. It is like when something tears into a wound that just barely getting a little scab on it. The pain seems to be more intense then earlier times.

Ironically at the same time we (the kids and I) were preparing to go and be a part of a dear couple’s 50th wedding anniversary celebration with their whole family. A few days earlier I had a privilege to congratulate another couple, closer to my age, celebrating their 25th.

Then I heard the news of others who claiming to know God yet forsaking their first marriage trying to bring validity to their adulterous relationship by “moving in together”.
Again someone else doing the same thing, cheerfully, announces the engagement to another man’s former, now divorced, wife.

Knowing that God is in control, my jealous sinful heart just burst out with a question: IS GOD FAIR?

After a short self pity the Holy Spirit just stops me in my wicked path and obliges me to look into the “mirror” the word of God.

And there I see the beam in my own eye that forces me to cover my mouth and fall silently at the feet of the judge of the universe.
Who am I to claim justice and fairness? Who am I to call God to give an account of what he choose or not to choose to do?

Oh wretched man that I am! If God would be fair to me and give me what I deserve I would perish in my sin and eternal HELL would be my certain destiny.

But praise be to Jesus our savior!
Regardless of my attitude, even as he said “while we were yet his enemies” not being fair to himself gave his life for me. Shed his own precious blood on Calvary’s cross so that my sins can be forgiven.
What glorious deed, what Love!

If I have any merit to stand on, it is His merit alone.
But there is more... his word declares that “..All things work together, for the good, to them that love God and the called according to His purpose..”
So what I am experiencing today, be as painful as it may be, it is not an accident.
God disciplines those whom he loves.
Day by day, moment by moment transforms me and all those who believe to the likeness of His Son.
Wow! Talk about grace and mercy… instead of fairness.

I’m so glad that His ways are higher than man’s ways and His thoughts are higher then man’s thoughts.

In the light of such love I am compelled to repent and trust his promise once again that I am forgiven forever.

May God bring pleasure and happiness in the life of those whom he chooses and may he bring misery to others. For his children both pleasure and sorrow will turn into eternal blessings while to those who reject Him even the blessings of this life will turn into eternal condemnation......
These are sobering thoughts.

Instead looking at myself, being jealous of, or condemning others, I want to delight and rejoice with those who prosper and being blessed. I also need to go on my knees before the Heavenly father and pray for the salvation of the lost whom He brings into my life, sharing the good news of God’s deliverance to them, by letting Jesus loving and living in and through me......being just like a beggar showing to the other beggar where to find bread.

Thank you, Lord for not giving up on me and for your unfailing Love.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

An old email from my bride.

Just recently I was looking for a job related email in the email archives at work,
and a batch of mail, sent by Miriam through the years, caught my eyes.
Amongst the many romantic little love notes I rediscovered this one that, especially now, has so much meaning, just as if she was encouraging me, form heaven, to go on and be faithful to our Lord and Savior….

One day, in late summer of 2009, I felt discouraged. Miriam just recently lost her glorious hair.  She was getting the heavy side affects of chemo therapy and on top of that there were some stressful issues going on at my work.

Those are the days when you just want to sleep right through the day hoping that when you wake up these tings just become a passing nightmare.

But life is not like that, and as responsible people we have to carry on even when everything we lay our hands on becomes just a chore or duty that doesn’t seem to have a purpose or there seem to be no meaningful end to the tasks ahead. 
Yet deep inside we know we must go on…. 
So I got up and went to work….. and then a precious gem fell right in my lap as a gift straight from heaven…. all of the sudden everything had a meaning, a purpose to carry on, joy is added to the labor, the future become hopeful and full of purpose.

By God’s gracious leading this is what Miriam wrote to me:

from yb

The Weekly Walk"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:12

James 1 tells us that above all other human traits, endurance is the characteristic that God is trying to build into your life and mine. Perseverance. Steadfastness. Keep on going. Continue making and keeping the commitments of life. No matter how hard, don't quit.

Endurance is the funnel through which all Christian virtue flows. If God can just get me to not be a quitter, He can get every other good thing into my life. If I won't quit my marriage and I won't quit my kids and I won't quit my job and I won't quit my church and I'm not going to run around thinking the grass is greener somewhere else; I'm going to believe, this is where God has me! This is where I'm going to put down roots and plant my life and make a difference; if I'll stay right here under the pressure, it's unbelievable what God could do in my life. But I've got to be willing to commit for the long haul in order for God's trials to have their purpose in my life.

I want to share a cool related verse in James 1:12, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life."

While I think there are literal crowns that we'll receive from the Lord, I'd like to suggest that the "crown of life" means the quality of life which God promises to those who love Him. If you endure, if you stand the test, there'll be a better life for you on the other side of this trial. Your best and most fruitful days are ahead. Your most God-glorifying days are ahead. God has a purpose for every difficult thing that you face, and if you hold up under it you're going to receive the "crown of life." It's a quality of life that comes to those who successfully pass the test - those who love Him. For some people it will be in eternity, but for most people it'll be at some point later in this life. Protect your joy - remain under the pressure and don't let this trial steal what's ahead.

Looking better days……J

I love You
(your bride)

Now, let me take some liberties here…. even though, I think, I am not far from the truth.

Before Miriam wrote this email she just walked away from the toilet bowl where she had to vomit up the little food she tried to take for her weakening body. As she walked by the bathroom mirror she has seen the faint remains of the beauty once she was. Dry yellowish skin a black and white bandana trying to keep her bald hairless head worm, no eyebrows no eyelashes….
Mouth burning, stomach, limbs and joints aching, all the extremities, fingers, toes numb or at best just sensations of pins and needles from the nerve damage caused by the chemotherapy.
Then she remembered her discouraged husband from the morning and knew that she must do something about it. She didn’t do it out of duty or to gain reputation. She did it because she was compelled. She loved her God and she loved her husband.

 I tell you blessed is a man who is known by the living God and as a precious gift from Him has been given a wife like this. Humbly I declare... I am one of those unworthy blessed man. 

I am certain that Miriam has that crown that she was talking about. Not just her but all those who remained faithful to the end.

In conclusion let me encourage you to consider Jesus. He is the only one who is able and willing by His Holy Spirit to change us from a purposeless miserable sinner into a joy and purposeful child of his.  Jesus experienced our sorrows and pains to the fullest. While pure and innocent He became sin for us and died on the cross alone without any comfort. This was necessary to satisfy the righteous wrath of God that is against everyone who lives in disobedience.
Now since God’s wrath is satisfied through Jesus’ sacrificial death God raised Jesus from the dead and gave him all power and all authority over heaven and earth. Halleluiah!!

Pain and sorrow tears and losses are the part of living in the ShadowLand and as God’s people we too experience them at one time or another. Yet we have the precious promises that this Jesus is with us through them all and safely carry us right through them into His eternal bliss… Heaven.

Believe it embrace it because your life depends on it.

Praise the Lord Forever.

This picture was taken around those days.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Worship In the Clouds

Lately there were a few postings on Face book of the hymn “It is Well with My Soul” in memory of Miriam. Today I had an awesome experience and I want to share it.

At the end of last week I had to quickly plan a business trip for today to Milwaukee. As I was packing at home I was looking for a book to take along for the trip. I came across a slightly worn yellowed paged copy of Knowing God by J.I. Packer. Inside of the front cover penned Miriam’s maiden name and her parent’s address. I assume she got it less then a year before we got married and to my shame this is the first time I laid eyes on it.

Today as I was on my second leg of my flight (from Philadelphia to Milwaukee) and partway in the book I was overcome with emotions when I read about that:
”…. knowing God is a matter of grace. It is a relationship in which the initiative throughout is with God— as it must be, since God is so completely above us and we have so completely forfeited all claim on his favour by our sins.
What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it—the fact that he knows me. I am graven on the palms of his hands. I am never out of his mind. All my knowledge of him depends on his sustained initiative in knowing me. I know him because he first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me, and no moment, therefore, when his care falters.
This is momentous knowledge. There is unspeakable comfort. … in knowing that God is contently taking knowledge of me in love and watching over me for my good. There is tremendous relief in knowing that his love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench his determination to bless me.”
End quote

I blushed (I don’t do it often enough) when I read “there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me”. While I have known and embraced these truths from my youth how often ignore them and in thought, speech and even in actions I conduct myself in ways that clearly displease Him.

Since Miriam is not with me so often as now at 30,000 ft I find myself like a little child, with tears in my eyes, curled up on daddy’s lap seeking comfort from Him who in spite of my sin doesn’t let me fall but rather draws me to himself.
Reminds me of His pain and suffering, on my behalf at the cross, so now I have the privilege of sitting on His lap.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.” (Before you continue please read 
Psalm 139. If you don’t have a bible let me know and I’ll send you one)

While I was worshipping the captain’s voice pulled me back into reality announcing that “….we are just before Detroit…”. As I looked out the window the clouds that were with us since Buffalo broke and a familiar landscape opened up below us. Point Pelee, Amhustburg, LaSalle……I was out of my mind…. we were flying over Miriam’s grave. I almost sobbed out loud.

……Around 1873 while cross­ing the At­lan­tic, all four of Horatio Spaf­ford’s daugh­ters died in a col­li­sion with an­o­ther ship. Spaf­ford’s wife Anna sur­vived and sent him the now fa­mous tel­e­gram, “Saved alone.” Sev­er­al weeks lat­er, as Spaf­ford’s own ship passed near the spot where his daugh­ters died, the Ho­ly Spir­it in­spired these words……

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
(Meditate on these words line by line)

Since I was confined in the plane with 30 or so other passengers I didn’t sing loud but could not resist humming the tune over and over while the words were flooding through my mind as my “ship” was sailing over the grave.

I have to admit I never had a more awesome experience with God in my life and I just had a little taste of the ecstasy that Miriam and all the saints that are gone before us are enjoying in His presence. It may sound add to say this at this time in my life but I declare with absolute certainty that God is a HOLY, GOOD, LOVING AND JUST GOD. All the things that we are experiencing (including the loss of Miriam) are the part of His wonderful work of making us and all things new in Christ. (Read 2 Corinthians 5)


Saturday, 19 March 2011

Miriam's encouragement "Seeing Jesus in our clouds"

Back in February of 2009 Miriam, after her first surgery, was asked to speak at a ladies conference.
Just recently I came across her notes and was greatly encouraged by them. I want to bless and encourage you also with them, especially if you go through difficult times.

Encouragement "Seeing Jesus in our clouds"
By Miriam Weisz 2009

Open with prayer- Thanksgiving for safety

                           Calm my spirit
                           Help me to minister to these ladies
                           I am Inadequate
                           Thank you for the cross

When Brenda asked me to share, my first reaction was
I’m busy, tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed.
There are too many things going on in my life right now
I’m not a speaker etc

But the big question kept coming back, “What does God want me to do? Do I obey Him and get out of my comfort zone or excuse myself and play it safe?”

I love this paragraph, don’t know who to credit it to, I jotted it down on an old envelope that has become a fixture in my bible.  Do you have special pieces of paper like that?

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that isn’t what ships were made for.  Christ didn’t die on the cross for us to hide in the harbor.  He didn’t sacrifice His life for us to play it safe.  The low risk life may seem cozy and secure but when we spend our time and energy figuring out ways to detour around the risks of authentic lives it will zap our vision and lead to a life of mediocrity and stagnation.

So today I will take a risk, step out of my comfort zone even though I am not a speaker but a regular, everyday, flesh and blood woman just like to rest of you who prefers speaking one on one rather than in front of people.

When I started to think about what to share today I asked myself what would be an encouragement and benefit to my sisters along this road we are all on together.  What was God teaching me right now?  Among other things one kept coming to the forefront SEEING JESUS IN OUR CLOUDS AND WHEN WE SEE HIM WE WILL BE CHANGED!!!

We all at one point or another experience clouds in our lives.  What are the clouds?
How do we interpret or look at them?

Clouds are sorrows, sufferings difficult circumstances in and outside of our personal lives which actually seem to contradict the sovereignty of God.

Have you asked any of these questions?

How could God allow this to happen?  Where is He? He doesn’t love me!!

When difficulty comes what is our first reaction?  We curl up into ourselves and think that God has somehow left us or forgotten about us, we are all alone.

FYI – Satan would have us believe we are all alone and no one is going through what we are going through, we have to guard against that lie.

We could probably go around this room and spend hours sharing clouds that each of us have experienced, we all have them, but the awesome thing is we don’t have to stop there,  because we are the children of God we are not to despair as if we have no hope.

This leads to the second question, how do we interpret or look at the clouds?

When going through hard times never connect the circumstances and what He allows with who He is.

We need to interpret the mysteries with what we know about Him.  Things we have been shown in the light. 

Heb 13:5b: Never leave us or forsake us

Php 1:6b   : He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

Rom 8:28  : And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Clouds are the very thing He uses to teach us to walk by faith.
Heb 11:6: without faith impossible to please God.
If there were never any clouds in our lives we would have no need for faith.

What a revelation it is to know that sorrow, suffering etc are actually the clouds that come along with God.  Instead of seeing clouds as God being gone or not there, they are a sign that God is there!!

Nahum 1:3:  The LORD has His way In the whirlwind and in the storm, And the clouds are the dust of His feet.

Clouds come along with God.

As James M says “He is just rolling up His sleeves”

What an awesome and exciting thought it is knowing that God is actually honing in on me and is personally working on me through this difficulty.  If that is the case, then bring it on!!  Imagine the creator of the universe taking an interest in me, puny me and not just that He is actually making me, forming, shaping me to look a little bit more like His Son. WOW!!!

Php 3:20-21: He is transforming us into the likeness of His Son

Psalm 119:71: It is good for me that I have been afflicted that I may learn your statutes.

Psalm 119:75: I know, O Lord that your judgments are right and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me. 

Now does this sound totally outrageous, crazy …………Well to our flesh and the world it does.  BUT in Gods economy seeing Jesus in our clouds is the very thing He uses to change us so we would trust Him more and more.

Supernatural things start happening, things that we cannot explain in human terms.  Here are a few.

This past May we discovered a bump on my belly. It began growing pretty quickly.  I started worrying and had every scenario worked out in my head already.  This is before I got any type of diagnoses.
I got a phone call from my cousin and shared with her what was going on, then she rebuked me,  I have no business worrying about what will happen 1 week, 2 weeks from now.  God promised He will give you grace for today!!  Wow that hit me like brick wall.  This has helped to take one day at a time and not allow the what ifs to control my life. 

La 3:22-23: Through the Lords mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: Great is Your faithfulness!!!

I was then diagnosed with rare form of ovarian cancer.  They removed the tumor.  I distinctly remember how I felt going in for the tests and the surgery.  I felt like the Lord wrapped His arms around me and said I am going through this with you.  The day before the surgery I was relaxed and carefree all day.  I kept pinching myself, is this me, the worry wart, I should have been at least sick with worry by now.

This is what I mean by supernatural!!  Only God can do this.  And because the only explanation is God, He gets the glory!!

To finish I would like to share with you a little story that really had an impact on me.  It illustrates whether in the good times or bad times what we tend to do.

A radiant bride greeted her guests with a brilliant smile as she entered the reception hall after the wedding ceremony.  She gracefully moved and milled about the room, the train of her stunning white gown flowing along the floor behind here, her veil cascading down her button-adorned back.
            She conversed with each guest one by one, taking the time to mingle and soak up the compliments:  You look absolutely lovely…  Your dress is divine…  I’ve never seen a more beautiful bride…..  What a stunning ceremony…  The lavish praises rang on and on.  The bride couldn’t be more proud or more appreciative of the crowd’s adornment.  She could have listened to them swoon over her all evening.  As a matter of fact, she did.
            But where was the groom?  All the attention focused on the bride and never once did she call anyone’s attention to her husband.  She didn’t even notice his absence at her side. 

Scanning the room, I searched for him, wondering, where could he be?
I finally found him, but not where I expected him to be.  The groom stood alone over in the corner of the room with his head down.  As he stared at his ring, twisting the gold band that had just been placed on his finger by his bride, tears trickled down his cheeks and onto his hands.  That is when I noticed the nail scars. 
The groom was Jesus. 
He waited, but the bride never once turned her face toward her groom.  She never held His hand.  She never introduced the guests to Him.  She operated independently of Him.

My prayer is, for myself first, that be it in the good times or the bad we would totally rely on and cling to Jesus and live our lives moment by moment in His presence. 

That we would become so intimate with Him that we would
acknowledge Him,
introduce him to our friends,
withdraw and be alone with Him
Love Him with all our heart and soul.

So that no matter what cloud comes into our lives we would always turn to Him and have Him be all that we need.

I have a song called GOD ON THE MOUNTAIN that I would like to share with you.
Please join me on the chorus

Life is easy when you're up on the mountain
And you've got peace of mind like you've never known.
But then things change and you're down in the valley.
Don't lose faith for you're never alone.

For the God on the mountain is still God in the valley.
When things go wrong, He'll make it right.
And the God of the good times
is still God in the bad times.
The God of the day is still God in the night.

You talk of faith when you're up on the mountain.
Oh but the talk comes easy when life's at its best.
But it's down in the valley of trials and temptation
That's when faith is really put to the test.

For the God on the mountain is still God in the valley.
When things go wrong, He'll make it right.
And the God of the good times
is still God in the bad times.
The God of the day is still God in the night.

For the God on the mountain is still God in the valley.
When things go wrong, He'll make it right.
And the God of the good times
is still God in the bad times.
The God of the day is still God in the night.
The God of the day is still God in the night.

"God On The Mountain" words and music by Tracy G. Dartt