The legacy of a great wife from a grieving husband.

As the days of healing pass over me I want to share my thoughts with those who care.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Channels of Blessings

Many dear people asked me “Nandor what’s next?” as we said farewell to Miriam a year ago. With confidence, I could reply “I don’t know. But God’s grace was sufficient through the struggles with Miriam and He will be sufficient for the children and me according to his promise.” 
He came through, true to His word.

Oh, how sweet was the Holy Spirits’ comfort as the final days of being a complete family was coming to the end. I had the privilege of seeing my beloved transforming from a loving and caring mother... from the most beautiful mate and lover, into a saint that with ecstatic joy was ready to go home ahead of us. I had such mixed emotions. On one hand my heart was breaking, on the other, I was so encouraged by Miriam’s joy. The way she, with total confidence entrusted us, her children and husband, in whom she invested pretty much all her life, to the God of creation, the sovereign ruler of heaven and earth, giver and taker of life. Now looking back I realize that in her last days Miriam had such a grasp and trust in the love of the Savior that only comes through severe trials and suffering.

When I replied to the above mentioned questions I did not realized what this loving God will take me through, so I can grasp this awesome sense of His Love and Grace. After the hustle and bustle of the funeral in North Bay then the burial in Windsor ten days later, the quiet lonely every days, weeks and months started. For me, this turned into a bone aching grief. The closest I can compare it to is, as C.S. Lewis put it “NO ONE EVER told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.” Tears welled up frequently, triggered by a thought or just simply entering a place, or being at events where Miriam’s loving company used to be present. 
But mostly it hit home when at the end of the day I entered our bedroom, the intimate sanctuary for a couple. Where the sweet fellowship and communion of our spirit and of our body used to meet like no other. Where in oneness we met with God in prayer, thanksgiving and devotion. Were we strengthened and comforted one another in our daily struggles, the place of forgiveness and reconciliation. Where we reminisced on the past and reminded each other of God’s blessings. Where future plans were made for our children and our family as we were seeking to serve or God. Where we played and had the most fun as we made love and assured each other that this awesome union worth more the our individual lives. Where for us “I Love you” was said and heard more often than anywhere else in the world.

Now there is only silence.... every night after I have my time with my Savior, I just place my Bible beside me where Miriam used to sleep.... 
First it was very hard. But through the last year I have learned that while God removed the most tangible channel of His love and blessing from my life His infinite love never fails. Only now, I have to receive it by faith. What a precious gift faith is. I came to understand that in this life even at best we are only able to communicate as sinners to sinners, just a faint image of this infinite love and affection that is ours in Christ. In our current condition we would not be able to bear the pure love of God. We need to leave this world to be able to fully experience it.

So, while I live here below in the flesh I still long for tangible affection and love, but by faith I can carry on. I know that there are others that God placed around me that need the same from me. May God give me and you a heart that truly says in word and deed “I LOVE YOU!” and in it, the recipient would hear the echo of our Savior’s voice.

Channels only, blessed Master,
But with all Thy wondrous power
Flowing through us, Thou canst use us
Every day and every hour.

Yes, God’s Mercy and Grace are sufficient.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Seasons Greeting

Dear Praying Friends,

It is that time of year again.  A time for family and friends to celebrate the birth of Christ and enjoy each other’s company. 

For our family it is a painful time due to the passing of Miriam.  This is the first Christmas without her and yes it does hurt…but God is merciful and is showing His great power and love through all the painful “firsts” that we have to go through. As you can imagine we had to make quite the adjustment as we are trying to carry on without the always so important, godly wife and mother. The initial days, weeks and the first couple of months were the most painful.
But, praise be to God for his unfailing mercies! To know, regardless of how difficult it is, that this is ordained from our heavenly Father’s hand, gives a great comfort to our grieving hearths. His ways are higher then ours and in the light of eternity this present time of suffering and His discipline becomes a treasured possession.  Slowly we have adjusted and are continually adjusting to live without Miriam. We are so thankful for the outpouring of love, prayer and practical help from many friends, relatives, brothers and sisters. You are God’s hands and feet as you reach out to us to ease the burden that these circumstances bring. 
As painful as this year has been God has brought incredible blessings to us. This summer we went to California for a two weeks vacation. We are thankful to all our loved ones that made this possible. Jakob spent a week at bible-camp, and Jessica was working at Smoky Trail Native Bible Camps for four weeks. Throughout the spring summer and fall we had the privilege of having many relatives and friends visiting our home.

This fall has brought around even more changes.  Rebekah was accepted into the Theatre Arts program at Canadore College.  She is really enjoying the experience.  Jessica and Jakob are at home doing their homeschooling. Jessica is still finishing her last year of high school here at home. She also has taken on the responsibilities of running most of the household and overseeing Jakob’s schooling (gr. 6/7).

 Please, continue to pray for us that we would have the wisdom to live for the glory of God alone as we continue on this journey.

We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and pray God’s richest blessing for you and your family.
 The Weisz  Family 

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

God, the Perfect Giver of All True Pleasure.

As we walk through life we find ourselves somewhere between perfectness (never being able to come close to it) and???? (Well what is the opposite of perfect?) I have tried to come up with the word then when I couldn't find one I asked around, then eventually went on-line and realized the there is no such thing!!  While we may use the word (improperly) to describe various things be it as exceptional as they possibly can be, we all have to realize that only GOD is perfect. Everything else lacks that quality and falls far short in the other category. For the opposite of perfect the only word I can think of, that would come closest, is hell, but that is something that none of us are familiar with. So we have to make the conclusion, that in this life even when we describe something most horrible, we know that there are things that could be worse. 

Having a good marriage has its benefits. Loosing it, and even loosing it on the positive note has very unpleasant side affects. And what I mean by loosing it on the positive note is, that what we had to go through wasn’t the result of a bitter separation, rather through Miriam’s illness, while the physical elements of our relationship slowly deteriorated, our love for each other and for God grew to a much higher level then we could ever experience under “normal” circumstances. Our marriage wasn’t perfect but I can testify that it was a foretaste of the perfect one to come. Once this was over, for Miriam the foretaste turned into reality, but for me, “living without…” became the new reality. According to the word of God as his children we have riches that surpass any riches this world can offer. Yet living in this present earthly reality we have physical, emotional and other needs and desires that can only be met through means that were meant to fulfill that need. For example when we are hungry, relaxing on the sofa or taking a good walk wouldn’t satisfy the need hunger brings. On the other hand a well prepared meal not just fit that need but also produces pleasure.
I am careful when I make this statement but: I believe that God is the author of ALL pleasure. He made us in His likeness and given us the faculties to receive and enjoy the things he has made. I also believe that all these things are there, so that through them we can get to know Him, the Creator and the sustainer of Heaven and Earth. Each time we experience the satisfying of any of our needs we get pleasure, fulfilment and that move us closer to God. 
On the other hand the enemy of our soul taking advantage of our fallen nature stands by, but not being able to offer us any pleasure, trying to give us fake substitutes that might give some sense of pleasure but ultimately end up hurting us, leaving us empty and instead leading us closer to, it drives us away from our God. The pursuit of the pleasure of eating can turn into an idol and make us into a glutton. The same way wine that gladdens the heart turns into a means for drunkenness. That’s how sex that meant to bring the committed godly union of a man and women to its highest level, being wasted in one night stands, adultery, prostitution, pornography and all the endless forms of sexual immorality. And we could go on and on.

Now we know from scripture that there are seasons for feasting and there are seasons for fasting also. In many aspects, today I am fasting and my state makes me vulnerable to temptations that Satan offers to fulfill in the weakness of my flesh. On this battleground I thank God the Holy Spirit who keeps me, and I continually covet your prayers that my Saviour would always be honoured in my soul, mind and body.
I love this hymn by Charles Wesley.
I want a principle within of watchful, godly fear,
A sensibility of sin, a pain to feel it near.
I want the first approach to feel of pride or wrong desire,
To catch the wandering of my will, and quench the kindling fire.

From Thee that I no more may stray, no more Thy goodness grieve,
Grant me the filial awe, I pray, the tender conscience give.
Quick as the apple of an eye, O God, my conscience make;
Awake my soul when sin is nigh, and keep it still awake.

Almighty God of truth and love, to me Thy power impart;
The mountain from my soul remove, the hardness from my heart.
O may the least omission pain my reawakened soul,
And drive me to that blood again, which makes the wounded whole.

Sometimes I look at those who never tasted the beauty of marriage being in a better position than I but through this I also learned to sympathise greatly with those who like me have lost it.
I have talked to some that after years of being alone still being full of sorrow and have a hard time moving on. Then by God’s grace I see others having the same great loss thriving and demonstrating a quality of life that surpasses people’s that seemingly have everything. One thing I have learned, that the more we turn to ourselves wishing on the past and looking at our loss the grater our grief and burdens are, but the more we give ourselves to others the lighter the burdens become.  Isn’t that wonderful? Then the icing on the cake is that while walking in the later we are actually walking closer to the Perfect one and through this season of fast, with pleasure, we are feasting on Him.

Just recently as I translated Miriam’s blog into Hungarian I came across a phrase that she wrote, this new and a fresh meant so much to me.

God loves me and has this all orchestrated for my good….nothing comes to Him as a surprise. I have been given another day to LIVE, that means I have a purpose, a reason for being here today….what am I going to do with it? I don’t want to waste it…I can pray, I can love my family, I can talk/write to people, I can help someone, etc. there are so many opportunities out there, will I seize them or let them go by because I am too busy worrying about myself. This is the challenge that I face daily…please pray that I would be able to keep my eyes on the things that are important and real and let the things of this earth grow strangely dim.

So here it goes, please, pray the same for me and my children.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Promises That We Can Bank On.

Most of the time we look forward to the fulfilling of promises with pleasant anticipation, and easily overlook the fact that there are no promises without a cost. This is especially true when we look at our Lord and his promises to us.
The other evening I was out on my exercise run-walk with our dog. A storm had just stopped, and as I was heading toward the west I was admiring the brilliant blue sky, and the glistening forest on the rolling hills; as far as the eye could see freshly watered by God’s blessing. Again my mind was flooded with sweet memories of taking the same walk with Miriam and how we used to stop and look over the beautiful scenery, praising God for his awesome work of creation. These thoughts choked me up, and I had a bit of  difficulty trying to bring forth thoughts of praise. …Is it ever going to get better? These waves of grief are so debilitating. I am so discouraged sometimes… Then I turned around and  nearly fell on my knees in worship on the middle of the road…
As I mentioned the rain just past off to the east clearing the western sky and behind my back unbeknown to me in the dark clouds, God prepared the most brilliant intense rainbow I have ever seen.

 My mind was instantly back about 5000 years (give or take a few hundred J ) when Noah exited the ark after the greatest judgment on mankind in Creation’s history. There God made a promise to us (Noah being our representative) that He will never destroy mankind by flood ever again. He kept ,and I am confident will keep this promise forever. Then He assured me by his Spirit, reminding me of the promise that His children don’t have to look forward to destruction that is yet to come by fire, but rather to the redemption that comes through our Saviour Jesus Christ. This promise came at a great cost to Him so we can be the free recipient of it. 
Wow! Now my soul has no difficulty singing “How great Thou Art”.
Later as I was remembering that awesome evening I was also meditating on  Eph. 1: 3-14
Verse 4 especially spoke to me..
`For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.```

..He chose me to be holy and blameless in his sight... while this is ultimately true in the fact that Jesus’ shed blood and righteousness puts us in that state before Him, yet He brings this truth to reality through trials and suffering in our life. I count it a privilege to be able to experience this work of God in my life. And while my share of suffering is minuscule compared to what Miriam and many saints, that I have seen and heard of, had to go through, this is suffering nevertheless. (Thank you for your steadfast prayer for me and my family. Being the weak man that I am, without grace I won’t be able to bear it at all) 
But to my surprise I have an appreciation and even a welcome of my Heavenly Father’s refining fire, knowing that this is the intimate, tangible part of his promise and of His Love.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1: 2-4

1.                 Standing on the promises of Christ my King, 
                    through eternal ages let his praises ring; 
                    glory in the highest, I will shout and sing, 
                    standing on the promises of God. 
                    Standing, standing, 
                    standing on the promises of Christ my Savior; 
                    standing, standing, 
                    I'm standing on the promises of God
 2.                 Standing on the promises that cannot fail, 
                    when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, 
                    by the living Word of God I shall prevail, 
                    standing on the promises of God. 
 3.                 Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord, 
                    bound to him eternally by love's strong cord, 
                    overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword, 
                    standing on the promises of God. 
 4.                 Standing on the promises I cannot fall, 
                    listening every moment to the Spirit's call,
                    resting in my Savior as my all in all, 
                    standing on the promises of God. 

Friday, 23 September 2011


Well, the summer is over and the fall slowly begins.  One of our late summer activities is packing up firewood for the winter months. Usually we dedicate a whole day to this. Sometimes we cut our own wood from our forest, sometimes we buy it from one of our neighbors that sell firewood and sometimes like this year, we do the combination of both. I being the “man of the house” take the chainsaw, the ax and go to fell the trees and cut them into long enough pieces for the stove, split them into blocks, then leave them in a small pile where it is accessible for pick-up. The children in the mean time load up the truck or trailer then we drive it behind the house and pack them neatly in the woodshed.

At one point I needed to take a break. I was out of breath my shirt was soaked from sweat my arms and back were on fire from the vibration of the saw and swinging the ax for hours. I tell you there is no Gym that gives you a workout like that.

 I felt sad as I looked around…In years past by this time Miriam would be out there with a beautiful smile offering me a cold beer or water, making some flirty remarks about how much she liked the dirty roughed looking logger I was. Ah! If I could have that once again…

Anyways, since all of us were busy I made my way back into the house to get my own water to quench my thirst. On the way in, my son who was a little tired and frustrated by this time (I remember those days too, when I was young it seemed like it was a waste of  a precious day to do chores instead of having fun), made the remark of how “… you give us the hard part of the work loading and un loading the truck while you just take the easy part of the job cutting and splitting…” 
I felt offended… I might’ve made cutting wood look easy but I knew that it was much harder and more dangerous then loading. Then I thought “I was loading with them most of the time too”. Why would he say things like that?...
After a few minutes of reflecting on what I just heard, I admonished him for his thoughtless and disrespectful remarks.
I thought that if I let him go away without correction I would do no favor to him. Many of us stumble and get hurt severely by our own fault in life because we ourselves or others around us ignored the small occurrences of the same sins and problems. The word of God says in Proverbs13:24 “
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him”
For the rest of the day I could not stop thinking about what just happened. Then it occurred to me …How often we treat our gracious God the same way. We take for granted that the sun rises and sets each day, that the rain/snow falls in it time to nourish the land. Then there is food on our table, clothing and houses to protect us from the elements…. on and on I could go …plus all the things we don’t need yet still enjoy to have… He gives them because He loves us. Then what do we do? Grumble and complain, we think it is easy for him he is God. Many times we think, He leaves us with the hard stuff and just walks away. Etc.

Well, I made sure that before we settled down at the end of the day I gave a big hug to my son and let him and my daughters know how much I love them and appreciate their help not just today but all the time, even if I do not always say it.


Then I went into my room, knelt before my Father asked for His forgivennes for my ungreatfulness then thanked him for all He has done and is doing for us day by day moment by moment. For His Son who was sweating, even drops of blood, as he took on the weight of our sin. His arms and back, his whole body was on fire and in pain from the abuse of man, yes, because of my sin. He was forsaken even by God himself. Oh, by no means was it easy for him! Yet he did not stop until He could cry “IT IS FINISHED!!!”  

I pray that He would grant us to appreciate His great work so much, that as He asked us, we would go and tell others about it.

Let us labor for the Master from the dawn till setting sun,
Let us talk of all His wondrous love and care;
Then when all of life is over, and our work on earth is done,
And the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.

For his Glory,


P.S. This story was posted with my son's permission.

Thursday, 25 August 2011


Rarely do I ever dream, but just recently I had a dream that stirred up emotions I didn’t know we can experience.
Dreams can play funny tricks on our minds by mixing reality into some sort of fantasy that we have a hardest time making sense of.

In My dream I somehow came to the realization that Miriam has been away for a long while (which is true) living with someone else far away from us. Not knowing where and whom she was with gave me a scary jealous feeling that I have never experienced while she was with me.

Being a beautiful woman, in the twenty plus years of our marriage, there have been occasions when godless man behaved indecently toward her. This angered us, especially me, but somehow her loving devotion toward me and our God never put her faithfulness in question.  By God's grace committing ourselves to Him and to each other daily, provided the basis to such secure relationship that jealousy had very little or no room to disrupt our marriage.

But in the twisted reality of my dream she was where she liked to be, and once I became aware of this I became restless questioning my own incompetence… how could I let this happen? How come I let it go on for so long?....  I immediately mobilized my children to help me find a way to try to get a hold of her. We were franticly looking for an old cell number ..anything.. PLEASE!!! I need to stop this I need to get her back. I even recall my oldest saying “Daddy don’t be so anxious God is in control just trust Him with this”……

Then as usual the dream faded, the web of the foggy night dissipated from my mind and gave room to reality.
As I was lying on my bed sweating, hart pounding trying to catch my breath, it took me a few minutes to comprehend that where Miriam is, there will no earthly communication tool ever reach.
Oh Lord what is the meaning of this? I have never felt this way in all my life….

After a short prayer God’s Spirit reminded me when the scriptures talk about our God being a “jealous” God.
I looked it up and found verse after verse how God is primarily jealous of his Glory, His name and his people.
His jealousy is always in the context of having His beloved “people” forgetting their Lord straying away from Him, delighting in idolatry and sin.
Then God like a jealous husband rightfully responds with furious rage not to destroy the beloved but to restore her. In the process he destroys what deceived her be it within her or without …. God doesn’t go half way He will do whatever it takes. He was willing to give His only begotten Son so the enemy of our soul would be destroyed and at the end present us as His beloved bride the Church faultless to enjoy forever.

Praise his name!!

In my dream He allowed me to have a little taste of the reality of His “Jealous” love toward me. Oh, I am so glad that I have such a God. He will pursue me ‘till the end (not just me but all who trust in his name) and will never let go of me. John 10:27-30 

My response to his Love is “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Ps. 139:23-24

Saturday, 20 August 2011

A Thought from Miriam

Here is a little gem I found in one of the pages of Miriam, medicine jurnal where she and later on I were recording the daily dosages:


God can heal me any time. The bleaker it looks humanly, the better the platform for God to step in and do something.

Things I'm learning,
Am I enjoying the attention I get from everyone?...when I get into pain and discomfort, people's responses just don't cut it, so that shows I'am not getting my comfort from Him but from man's attention.....WE JUST WON'T EVER GET OVER OUR SALVES!!!!!
But then again God's hands and feet are His people.